Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Harry Potter and the Die Hard with a Godfather (Part IX)

Hollywood's scribes are soon no longer to scribble, as has been reported in venerable industry bible Variety and in a variety of less venerable, more bibulous sheets. Unless the studios suddenly become such creative, economical output machines that they start to produce low-budget, non-writer-reliant flicks, we can expect rush-jobs of rehashes of remakes of sequels to prequels. They might go a little something like this:

1. Godfather -1: the prequel: Francis Ford Coppola traces the Corleone family back to their earliest days: the grandchildren of Marlon Brando, Al Pacino and Diane Keaton knock seven bells out of each other in their Sicilian kindergarten. James Caan's grandson is felled in his open-top stroller.

2. Harry Potter 6 and 7 are filmed simultaneously: as soon as the actors finish speaking their lines for 6, they run off set, out of the building, into the next soundstage along, onto the next set and deliver their lines for 7, then back to the first studio. This asthma-inducing round-robin continues until Hermione (Emma Watson) manages to cast a spell to split all the actors in half.

3. Untitled Michael Bay project: scenes from Bay's greatest hits - Armageddon, Pearl Harbour, Bad Boys, Transformers, Playboy Video Centrefold: Kerri Kendall - are reassembled into a new movie - Crash! Smash! Bash! Crash! - which critics say makes as much sense as any of the original films, but is rather better edited.

4. Cineplexes are suddenly filled with the back catalogues of our greatest - and most prolific - directors, as studios decide that the public needs to be educated into submission in the art of film. Expect retrospectives at your local Odeon or Vue of every Bergman movie, including all five hours of Scenes from a Marriage, plus hilarious outtakes where Liv Ullmann accidentally stabs her husband 850 times.

5. Coronation Street: the movie: this is in fact nothing more than the week's episodes spliced together. Funnily enough, when viewers are forced to sit through 2 1/2 hours of it each week straight, without commercials, it suddenly becomes a lot less popular.

6. Harry Potter 8: J.K. Rowling is forced to write a new Harry Potter by studio executives who threaten to reveal the real story of how she wrote the first story: not in a cold Edinburgh cafe, as she has always claimed, but dictating it to her secretary while being massaged in the presidential suite of the Savoy Hotel.

7. Andy Warhol comes back into vague - sorry, vogue - sorry, Vogue - with five-hour Sleep and eight-hour Empire packing crowds in. Completely unrelated to this popularity is the free marijuana is given out before each showing, which produces reactions like "Wow, neat, man", "Why is there a giant cat in the room?" and "Warhol's aesthetic was clearly influenced by - hey, my hand's all fuzzy."

8. The collected bloopers of Lindsay Lohan's career: this just consists of showing her movies.

9. Studios realise how little the public knows about the world around them and beyond their high street, so they film the best-elocuted people they can find reading out all the papers and magazines in Oxford Street Borders from cover to cover. By the time they get round to the Economist, current affairs have become history.

10. Harry Potter 9: see Harry Potter 8.

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